Healing Whispers: A Story of Transformation

Three years ago, today, I attempted to take my life. On February 3rd, 2021, condemning voices flooded my mind. The voices told me the only way to heaven was through suicide and claimed I needed to take my life to save others which is a blatant lie because Jesus already died for all of humanity so that we may live.

I vaguely knew of Jesus and heard that He gave up his life for others so I was deceived by the enemy into thinking maybe I had to do the same. But what I didn't yet understand, was that Jesus's sacrifice was enough and sufficent for all. "And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ ONCE and FOR ALL" (Hebrews 10:10).

Jesus gave up His life by dying on the cross for every soul and was raised to life on the third day, defeating death and the grave, proving He is the son of God offering forgiveness for our sins and eternal life for those who repent and believe in Him.

I didn't understand that truth. The voices also told me the only way my adoptive family and birth family would ever love me was to take my life. The voices got louder and louder until my head pounded and I believed the only way to make the voices go away was to obey. 

I locked myself in a bathroom and swallowed all the pills I could find. 

I remember falling to the ground and before going unconscious I heard a vastly different voice speak to me. The voice was unexplainable and powerful. It wasn’t just audible, it was an indescribable feeling that boomed throughout my entire body. I then heard the words, "You abandoned the love you had at first.”

I grew up in and out of foster care, never belonging to a church home, so I didn’t read the Bible and didn’t know that was a Bible verse. (Revelation 2:4 "But I have this against you, you have abandoned the love you had at first.") 

My roommate Halila and the police busted through the locked bathroom doors while I was hysterically crying and screaming. Halila reached her hands down my throat and pulled most of the pills out, saving my life. 

I very well could have died from three situations that occurred in less than 24 hours.

I was rushed to the hospital and had to get my stomach pumped from the overdose. I then continued to hallucinate from the pills I swallowed.

During my hallucination, I ran out of the room and had a terrible seizure. 

While I was seizing, I fell on the cold, hard hospital ground and knocked my teeth out. Praise the Lord the impact was on my mouth and not my head. 

I fell into a deep sleep and woke up in the hospital without teeth and without family.

I stayed in the hospital for nearly a month and met someone who introduced me to Jesus. He came up to me and said, "Jesus told me to check myself into the hospital and gave me the words 'Beauty in her eyes but confusion in her heart.'" 

He guided me in praying the salvation prayer, which is simply praying to accept Jesus into your life as your Lord and Savior.

He even gave me his mother's number to have someone to call who could pray for me while in the hospital. He left a day later so I know in my heart that was God's provision that He came to help me. 

To the world, none of this makes sense. Although I’ve seen His goodness in my own life and in the lives of those around me. I’ve seen the way He moves in those who are obedient to His call and His voice.

A year later I got introduced to Every Nation Campus (ENC), my campus ministry, and my church, Divine Unity Community Church in Harrisonburg. 

The first time I went to church a girl, Ashawrie (my now dear friend), came up to me and said, "I usually don't do this but God keeps telling me to go up to you and to pray for you." 

She then prayed over me and said "God is saying to tell you that no matter who abandons you in your life, God will never abandon you." 

She didn’t know my name or my story, yet knew the biggest lie and struggle that has been haunting my life, abandonment. 

On the day of my suicide attempt, God spoke to me and said  “You have abandoned the love you had at first.” And almost exactly a year later, God finished His sentence to me by saying, “But I will NEVER abandon you.” And He will never abandon you either. 

What a beautiful author He is. And there is hope in the truth that parts of my redemptive story are still left unwritten. 

God completely transformed my life. I am now a leader in my ministry and have had many opportunities to share my testimony with hundreds of other college students. I have also gone on mission trips to other nations, sharing the hope of the Gospel with many of whom share a similar story to mine. 

Who am I that Jesus would choose me to be a part of His family and glorify Him and lead His children home to His Kingdom? 

My testimony has nothing to do with me but everything to do with Jesus. It is a reflection of God’s unfailing love and so is your testimony. God is the master author and perfecter of our faith, and He is still writing your story every day with every breath you take. 

Many other religions claim you must do X, Y, and Z to get to heaven. Through good works, religiosity and sacrifices. Although, the truth and Good News is Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for all of humanity. 

God sent His son down to earth to live the perfect life we should have lived and died the death we deserved, offering salvation and a personal relationship with God to all who repent and trust in Him. 

"If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9)

God watched His one and only son gruesomely suffer and die on the cross for people who may or may not accept Him in the end. 

God is a loving God who exercises free will. God does not force us to follow Him, although He is always waiting with open arms, inviting us into His merciful presence.

When I was awakened to that truth, I couldn’t help but praise Him and fall in love with the God who created me and knit me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13-14). 

I serve God not because I am forced to, but because I can’t help but praise the God who saved my life and shows me unfailing and abundant love that simply cannot be found on this earth. 

He was my first love and will always be my last love. God is a good, good Father. 

However, as with everyone else, life was not picture perfect after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. God never promised it would be easy. but He does promise us a future. 

Romans 8:18 says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

We will see glory on this side of heaven or the next, but our eternal hope is in Christ. As believers, when we accept Jesus as our Savior and desire a relationship with Him, we are adopted as sons and daughters and get to spend eternity with Him in heaven. 

This past summer, I served the Lord by doing a Christian program called Summer Project that included a mission trip to the U.K. But when I got there, the first week I stopped sleeping.

One of my campus ministers picked me up from the program. We got in a crash and unfortunately, his car got totaled. I went to the ER that night. The enemy tried to take my life again but praise God he did not prevail. "No weapon formed against you will prevail" (Isaiah 54:17).

Little did I know this illness would last multiple grueling months. I was in crisis stabilization programs and in and out of hospitals for five months. I was devastated. 

Not sleeping for so long was the most intense pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life and I’ve never been more depressed.

I will admit that I was more downcast and suicidal this past summer than I was in my unexpected suicide attempt three years ago. I lost almost all hope and was holding on by a thread. 

If I’m being honest, I was furious with God. I’ve seen His healing power before. I’ve seen Him heal others in an instant. Why wasn’t He healing me? He had the power to. 

Maybe you feel the same way right now, maybe you’re angry at what God has or hasn’t done in your life. But sometimes all it takes is patience. 

Ironically, my word for the year was "patience" and boy did I need it. I would see Bible verses in the hospital and would almost get annoyed and I even questioned my faith and salvation. 

But what I did do was continue to pray.

I prayed for other patients in the hospital and one patient reached out to me when she got out saying, “I just wanted you to know that day after you prayed for me, it really touched my heart and I feel God all around me! These blessings I’ve gotten wouldn’t be possible without Him. It’s just crazy because I saw a cross this morning in the sky when I prayed, and when I close my eyes I see them too. So I know it’s real, I was always doubtful before because nothing good has happened to me.. but now I know for sure. He’s spoken to me and I can feel it all around." 

When she texted me, I was still in the hospital. I had five minutes of phone time and her message popped up on my phone. That glimmer of hope kept me going.

If God could use me in my deepest and darkest moment of weakness, I knew He wasn’t giving up on me just yet. 

At four months, there were no treatment options left. The last resort was to get electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Doctors attached electrolodes to my head and sent electircal currents to my brain causing seizures. By God's grace, He healed me and I slept through the night for the first time in months. Praise the Lord.

Three years ago the enemy desperately tried to take my life by giving me a seizure to harm me, but God redeemed my story by allowing me to endure medical seizures that healed me. What an intentional redeemer and author of my faith.

At the beginning of my faith journey, I got baptized out of fear because someome told me I would go to hell if I didn't get baptized right away. While baptism is an important public declaration of faith, I confidently know there is nothing I can do myself to earn my salvation. The water doesn't save me, my Savior's sacrifice already did. After being healed and personaly knowing that truth, on November 1st, 2023 I got baptized in faith instead of fear, recognizing Jesus has brought me from death to life.

God is alive and He is active. If He can heal me I know He can heal you. Sometimes it just requires a little patience. Deuteronomy 31 says “Be strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” Never.

I call February 3rd my “alive day” not only because it was the day my life was saved, but it was the day I became truly alive in Christ. I usually get emotional on this day, but today I decided to spend the day with people I cherish doing the things I love.

I had ice cream for breakfast with ten of my closest friends, had lunch with family, went shopping at a vintage shop, had a red velvet latte, ate peanut butter pie and cuddled with my cat.

I now end my day reflecting with the Lord, praising Him for abundant life I get to live. With days spent laughing till I cry, running in wildflower fields, spontaneously taking trips, reading next to candlelight, and painting the beauty of the world around me. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Three years ago, I couldn't fathom what God was doing in the beginning, but now I look to the end and rejoice. Because in the end, I go home. I run to the arms of the Father and get to spend eternity in His unfailing love.